Jan 07, 2009
Where More Credit is Due
An emerging thought:
In America it seems to me that we often give too little respect to how hard things can be: whether the length of time it takes to mourn a lost relative, or how difficult it is to find the courage to apologize, or how scary it is to leave a job or a relationship.
That said, it also seems that we have to little faith in how strong we can be: whether in the ability to keep functioning while taking the time to cry, or the resolve to push our way through to saying what needs to be said, or the will to walk out a door and to keep walking while everything tries to pull you back.
I could be wrong, but that's the way it seems to me.
"...or how difficult it is to find the courage to apologize,"
I think one corollary of this is the tendency among many people to "apologize" (i.e., say "I'm sorry") far too quickly and superficially for it to be genuine. I'm not talking about bumping into someone in a crowd or using up the last of the coffee creamer here; I mean big stuff where a real apology is owed.
This is something I've attributed to the ethos of no-fault forgiveness in modern evangelical Christianity--something that is free quickly becomes something to which one feels entitled--but that may just be my biases talking.
Posted by: B | Jan 7, 2009 8:01:36 AM
Phil, I'm gonna object to just one thing here. Well, not "object" so much as "recast." Among the things you think people don't credit the difficulty of is how scary it is to leave a job or a relationship. You're right, those things are scary, and sometimes one needs to summon the courage to do just that: leave. However . . .
A worse thing, I think (and recent experience of course makes this personal) is the corollary of that failure to respect the difficulty of a thing, i.e., the expectation people have that something should require little effort in the first place. This applies especially to relationships. If I understand you, you are saying that, in this country, we expect everything to come easily. And worse yet, we expect those things to be perfect. A good relationship is almost always the result of hard work, and even the best relationship is never perfect. Some relationships need to end, and the worst ones often take the most courage to leave. But our failure to respect the difficulty and complexity of human relationships sometimes means that people bail without really trying.
And trying to endure is not the same as trying to make a thing better. Better to bail than throw up one's hands and embrace martyrdom. But that false expectation of ease, I think, too often leads people to the martyr label before they have made an effort to make a thing better. Be it job or relationship. Again, some things are unfixable. I know that. But a corollary of your observation is that too many people don't think they should need to try.
[And having sat here and invested this time, I think I am going to steal yours and my work both and post to my own front page. Peace, brother.]
Posted by: Doc | Jan 9, 2009 9:34:06 PM