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Aug 02, 2006

You Might be a Triangle Redneck

Dsc01201 Last week a friend who shall remain unnamed wrote to our listserv:

"We have some big boxes full of old New Yorker magazines on our front porch (classy, I know). Apparently, I'm incapable of recycling them as paper products---only as intellectual content. Would anyone on this listserv like to take them off our hands?"

I didn't take the mags, but I did write a crude response:

1.  If you've got ten years of old magazines stacked on your front porch but they're mostly New Yorkers... you might be a Triangle redneck.

2.  If your front porch collapses (see item 1, above) and six dogs git killed but they're all airedales, border collies, or enrolled in agility classes... you might be a Triangle redneck.

3.  If you own more cars that that don't run than cars that do but they're all Alfa Romeos... you might be a Triangle redneck.

4.  If you're fightin' to change the law that says you can't marry your first cousin Jake -- and your name's also Jake... you might be a Triangle redneck.

5.  If you go to stock car races to watch your favorite car -- the one sponsored by your own dot.com biz... you might be a Triangle redneck.

6.  If the schoolmarm takes points off your grade for using words like "y'all," or "yep" or "ain't" in your PhD thesis... you might be a Triangle redneck.

7.  If you built a secure website to raise funds to rescue your local Starlite Drive-In Theatre then felt bad about supporting a business that also sells guns but kept going to the movies anyway because they sell such damn good onion rings and hot dogs then felt bad about eating non-free range meat... you might be a Triangle redneck.

8.  If you ever punched someone out for talkin' trash about your little sister -- on mySpace, Friendster, or Craigslist... you might be a Triangle redneck.

9.  If you love country music, especially the "traditional" kind like John Prine, Iris DeMent, and Tift Merritt... you might be a Triangle redneck.

What you got?

12:18 AM in Triangulations | Permalink

Comments

phil, those are perfect! now i'm homesick for the triangle.

Posted by: alicia | Aug 2, 2006 8:04:53 AM

Read. Liked. Linked. Trackback sent. Yee-haw, buddy! ;)

Posted by: Joseph H. Vilas | Aug 2, 2006 9:44:06 AM

Jesus Christ, Phil, get the hell out of my iTunes library!

You left out Merle Haggard, George Jones and Hank Sr.

Blogged, linked, tracked-back.

Posted by: Barry Campbell | Aug 2, 2006 10:01:14 AM

Totally hilarious. How 'bout two more: If you like to keep your moonshine still going just for old times' sake, and then you take your 'shine to the Farmer's Market and sell it as an aromatherapy remedy, then you might be a Triangle redneck (from Mary Ellen in Chapel Hill); or... If you love yourself some collards -- grown by a local organic farmer and cooked with a ham hock from an environmentally-sustainable small hog farm in Orange County -- you might be a Triangle redneck.

Posted by: Charlene | Aug 3, 2006 1:49:25 PM

Oh, those are nice... How about:

- If you've got an ol' beat up truck up on jacks in your front yard, while you convert it to run on used frier oil from Wimpy's Grill, you might be a Triangle redneck. (Or, if like me, you aspire to have one...)

- If you've ever caught yourself saying, "All them neoconservative warmongers exploiting the Christian faith to enlarge corporate profits at the expense of the working class, they just ain't right..." you might be a Triangle redneck.

- If you've ever attended a City Council meeting to protest spending public funds on a performing arts center to be managed by a large corporate conglomerate, and also happened to gripe that there's no Krispy Kreme in town, you might be a Triangle redneck.

Posted by: Michael T. Bacon | Aug 8, 2006 12:21:18 AM

A little detail I forgot to mention: the car hood pictured above belongs to my friend Todd who races the Powertek 78 at Wake County Speedway. The decals (and sponsorship) are mine: marsosudiro.com.

And no, I don't expect to get ANY business, whatsoever from sponsoring a car. It's just fun, that's all.

Posted by: Phil | Jun 3, 2007 12:28:11 PM

If you're 35 and still make crank calls to radio DJs, but only when they're having their spring fundraiser...

If you have a ratty old couch in your front yard, but it's from IKEA...

Posted by: Phil | Jun 21, 2007 6:08:12 PM

These are great. When I lived in Chapel Hill the first time, there was a funny singer who played a piano and pretended to be a revival preacher. He used to spoof Chapel Hill-ians, for wearing "expensive peasant dresses."

Posted by: Margaret | Oct 6, 2009 2:00:26 AM