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Apr 04, 2006

Punchlines

Punchset On my mind for some time: a blog with nothing but punchlines.  You, dear reader, should feel free to (a) identify the joke and (b) provide your own un-preceded lines for laffs.

  • Got any grapes?
  • Shame on you both.  I threw in a check for the full amount.
  • Not being retarded.
  • The Aristocrats!
  • Not screaming and panicking like all the passengers in his car.
  • When it turns into a carport.
  • Oy vey!  A Catholic priest!
  • Well at State they teach us not to piss on our hands.
  • Some people just don't know how to tell a joke.
  • That's OK, Reverend.  At my age, all I can do is suck the chocolate off, anyway.
  • Don't be ridiculous.  If there were a $20 bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up already.

Your turn.

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In other things: I just found out that Punchlines! (pictured above) was a British game show based on a similar premise, but with more larfs.

12:10 AM in Weblogs | Permalink

Comments

#2 & #10: I remember most of these jokes, but not enough to piece together coherent versions. So I'll leave them alone, for fear of spoiling them.

#5: When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

#8: Two guys finish up in the men's room at the same time. One stops by the sink to wash his hands while the other one heads for the door. "Excuse me," says the one at the sink, "but at Duke they taught us to wash our hands after using the bathroom." (Substitute any rich school/hick school duo for Duke and State.)

Posted by: Jerry | Apr 4, 2006 11:14:30 AM

#9, #9, #9, -- The way I heard it had to do with a group of world-weary Frenchmen who had told the same joke so often that they finally decided to number them all, and just refer to the numbers.

A few of my favorite punchlines:

"Liquor? I hardly know her!"

"Would I? Would I!"

"That's a mighty big word for a 10-year-old!"

Posted by: Joseph H. Vilas | Apr 5, 2006 7:01:34 PM

#1: A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I don't. Get outa here." Next day, the duck walks back in. He asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I don't, and if you ask me that one more time I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor. Duck walks out. Next day, the duck walks back in. "Got any nails?" he asks. The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

#3: What's better than coming in second in the Special Olympics?

I really want to hear the joke that goes with #6.

And here's my punchline contribution:

"A brick."

Posted by: Grace | Apr 5, 2006 11:35:48 PM

I have number 6 for you. When is a car not a car?

Punchline: European

Posted by: kaaren | Apr 9, 2006 8:01:26 PM

European. Oh, damn. I know the idea but can't remember the actual setup.

Grace's joke makes me laugh so much I can't type it.

Joe's three -- I don't know the setup for any of them (except for the first, sort of, which I use as an all-purpose gag.)

Posted by: Phil | Apr 9, 2006 9:23:14 PM

I guess I'll have to type the setup, since Phil's convulsing with laughter. What's red and bad for your teeth?

Posted by: Grace | Apr 10, 2006 7:43:10 PM

Joe's #3 goes something like:

A man comes home from work to find his girlfriend in tears. "Hon, what's the matter?" "The neighbors are so mean! They said you're a pedophile!" ...

Phil's #2:

Old man lying on his deathbed summons his doctor, lawyer, and priest. He gives them each an envelope with $50,000, explaining, "They say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. When they lower my casket into the ground, I want you each to toss in the envelope I gave you." The funeral comes and goes, and the doctor tells the other two -- I have to confess...we needed the money to supplement the research grant, so I kept $20K and only tossed in $30K." The priest also confessed, "We needed the money for missions, so I kept $30K and only tossed in $20K." The lawyer says...

Punchline: halo statue

Posted by: sharon | Apr 14, 2006 8:49:41 PM

PS -- I'll spare you the punchlines to my 3-year-old's knock-knock jokes -- no way you could come up with the setup ;-)

Posted by: sharon | Apr 14, 2006 8:58:10 PM

Sharon -- Come on, bring it! And thanks for 'splaining Joe's.

Re: "Halo Statue"

Is that the one where the newly rich Italian guy builds a mansion and asks the builder to put a "halo statue" in every room. After a lot of work, the builder manages to find a sculptor who can make all the beautiful statues of angels with halos. But when the owner sees the result, he says, "no, no, itsa all wrong!" The builder says, "But you specifically requested a halo statue in every room!" "Yes!" says the Italian, "I want in every room one of those things that goes 'ring-a-ling' and you pick up the handle and say into the bottom, 'halo?! 'stat you?'"

BTW, the version I heard was "hollow statue".

Posted by: Phil | Apr 15, 2006 12:01:01 AM

Yup -- that's it! I've always heard it with "halo statue" and the angels, but hollow statue certainly works, too.

Posted by: sharon | Apr 15, 2006 7:38:03 AM

Last week I asked the guy at the Broad St. Cafe counter for a slice of the vegetarian quiche. "We haven't got any grapes," he replied. Apparently, he was trying to tell me that the recipe normally called for grapes and that if I was expecting any, I wouldn't be getting them. But I missed most of that part because I was too busy laughing.

Posted by: Phil | Jun 14, 2006 10:53:03 PM

New to me, today, from Michael and from Alex.

"Know it? I wrote it!"

"He-ey!"

Posted by: Phil | May 27, 2007 3:10:55 AM

Scott Adams of Dilbert fame did one of these on his own blog, and damned if I didn't recognize any of the five.

See how you do. And see his comments to find out if his fans are funny.

http://dilbert.com/blog/entry/your_joke_iq/

Posted by: Phil | Dec 3, 2008 11:01:27 PM