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Jan 13, 2004

Sign Language | contest No. 4

© copyright 2004, Archer Pelican*

Today the Archer Pelican is feeling the need for acerbic wit. So, for this week's contest I invite you to create your own biting signage for people to read and heed -- on the road, in public places, or even in their own offices.

Like what?

Well, Tom and Ray want signs that say "No talking on cell phones while driving." A perfume-offended chef once posted a curbside sign that declared "No Giorgio permitted in this restaurant." And my favorite mean cartoonist John Callahan has a cartoon of a smiling man and a scowling woman sitting at a cafe underneath a sign that reads "Thank you for not talking about your relationship."

Is there no end to the possibilities? I (for one) would like MS Word, Outlook, and (Lord help us) AOL's mail program to generate a talking popup that says "PLEASE STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS. CRIMINY, DO YOU NOT KNOW ANYTHING?" at every appropriate opportunity.

This contest is open through midnight January 20, when someone grumpy but good humored will pick two winners -- one in the "mean, but we're still laughing" category, and one in the "not mean, but we're still laughing" category. Entries will be judged for potential value to society, and the always scientific "made me go Hyar!" index.

Prizes? Of course there will be prizes. Like what? Perhaps like these recent prizes for Contests 2 and 3. I haven't delivered them yet, but aren't they cool little antiques? The NC State Capitol card at top right has a postmark 99 years old. Congratulations to Scott, Tori, David, and Scolebert. Thank you for playing.

To enter: click on the "comments" link at the bottom-right of this weblog. You don't need to provide your email (which will be public) but if I don't already know you, please check back on January 21 to see if you've won, in which case you should email me to claim your prize!


*You think I'm not being serious? Hey, I know at least two law students who already think of me as a charity case. Don't push your luck :-)

09:06 PM in Contests! | Permalink


For those driving too closely, a little innuendo:

I don't mind your being six inches from my tail.
Just not when you're driving.

Posted by: Brett Wilson | Jan 14, 2004 12:23:20 AM

How about something for those obnoxious smokers who take a big drag right before they get on the bus. Perhaps, "Smokers are asked to exhale prior to boarding"?

Posted by: Jill McClain | Jan 14, 2004 1:41:08 AM

For those drivers who drive in the left lane with their left blinker on the WHOLE time you're on the road....a simple bumper sticker would do to remind all in close proximity:

Turn your blinker off, asshole.

Posted by: Courtney Young | Jan 14, 2004 3:01:09 PM

Hey, thanks for reminding us about John Callahan. I love him.

Posted by: Crouching Hamster | Jan 14, 2004 6:38:06 PM

feeling a little devilish and anti-american today:


Posted by: xta | Jan 15, 2004 12:16:49 PM

When you enter Virginia, you pass about a half dozen signs telling you what you can't do in the state (no radar detectors, use headlights when raining, speed limit enforced by airplane, etc.). I've always thought they should just put up a sign that says, "Welcome to Virginia. Knock it off."

And whenever I'm on an offramp behind somebody going ten miles an hour who then accelerates to 20 over the speed limit when we get back on the road, I wish I had a bumper sticker that says, "Anybody can drive fast in a straight line."

Posted by: dbt | Jan 16, 2004 6:44:44 PM

At the airport: The moving walkway is *not* a ride.

Posted by: Tarus | Jan 19, 2004 1:15:36 PM

Congratulations to our winners, DBT and Brett. Our judge didn't really think that DBT was being mean-spirited, but it was close enough to grumpy for the grumpy judge (who added "The moving walkway *is* a ride, dammit.") The grumpy judge also pointed out that bumper stickers aren't effective to people who are offending you with acts in *front* of you. With this, I could not argue. But what the heck. Future contests soon. Thanks to all for entering, and my sorries for this slow update! I blame the judge.

Posted by: Phil | Jan 28, 2004 10:13:29 PM